BEEEEEEE YOURSELF 🐝

Therapy was lit today! Apparently I don't have to change; I am fine the way I am. Who woulda thunkit?!

ONCE OR TWICE

I'M THE ONLY THING STANDING IN THE WAY OF MYSELF

So I've wanted to be a writer since I was a young child. I began keeping a journal at the age of 7, and started writing short stories soon after. I used to fantasize about the titles of my books: I tried to come up with titles that were dreamy, fairy-like, and ethereal. I remember letting my mom read a passage from one of my short stories, and her critiquing me as if I was an adult (I was a little kid!). Although that deflated me a little, I kept going.

I haven't written anything in years. What happened? Life got in the way, and now when I try to write I do things that make the process almost unbearable. I edit as I write, instead of just writing freely and editing later. This slows down the work and makes it more tedious than it needs to be. I'm obsessive when it comes to proper grammar and sentence structure. As a homeschooler who mainly taught myself, I never had a formal education, so I always doubt my writing skills. When I was in college I had to write a lot of papers, and a few of my professors commented favorably on my writing, one going so far as to suggest I had a great imagination and should take a course in creative writing. But I suffer from impostor syndrome and end up convincing myself I'm a shite writer that will never make it. Also, I have dozens of stories in my head, and I have no idea where to start. I have a very short attention span, and writing a book requires a decent amount of commitment. Sometimes I feel like something horrible has to happen in my personal life in order for me to surrender and write uninhibited. I'd rather just start writing without such a depressing push. I'm just wondering if, like  J. K. Rowling, I have to be motivated by pain and desperation. I'm sure that motivates a lot of authors. Unfortunately, it doesn't always guarantee success. And yet, wise men have urged us to work regardless of the fruit of the labor, but for the work itself. Therein lies the true joy.

PREMONITION?

So I just saw that Margot Kidder, famous for her role as Lois Lane in the Superman movies from the 70s/80s, passed away on Sunday. Something peculiar happened to me either last night or the night before (I can't recall which evening it occurred). I was lying in bed, trying to get to sleep after having some of my medical marijuana. I've been taking stronger doses the past few days to help me sleep better. As I was lying there, my mind started to wander as it does when I am trying to fall asleep. Occasionally the medical marijuana will cause my thoughts to wander even more than usual, and in unexpected ways. So on this night the Superman movies popped in my head: I thought about Christoper Reeve as Superman, and Margot Kidder as Lois Lane. I remembered watching those movies as a kid and was so enthralled with their relationship--how he always made sure she was safe; how he'd swoop down from the sky to rescue her from dangerous situations. I remembered  the chemistry of their kisses. I also thought what a shame it was that Christopher Reeve had died so young and so tragically, and even wondered if "Lois Lane" was still alive.

So it was very eerie seeing her in the news today, and learning of her death. May she rest in peace.

DO NO HARM DAY

Thomasina, Ollie, and Onyx would like to remind everyone that declawing is mutilation and can cause lifelong problems for your cat. Please visit The Paw Project for more info! Thanks for speaking up for cats and kittens everywhere! #DoNoHarmDay #BanDeclawing #MakeItALawDontDeclaw

WE'RE CUTTING OFF THE REINFORCEMENTS, MA'AM

So today's therapy session did not go so great, and not because of the actual therapy, but because my doctor is moving to a different location in 2 months and won't be covered under my insurance. He gave me the heads-up (which I appreciate) so that I could make the necessary adjustments when the time comes: either a) call my insurance to find out if they cover out-of-network (they don't); b) pay $80 per visit (can't afford it); or c) get a new therapist (now when I am finally starting to open up and make a remote semblance of progress). Naturally, this has flung me into my "worry, worry, worry" state, which is completely defeating and depressing. Couple that with the fact that my night terrors have been keeping me in a state of frenzied panic--when instead I should be getting restful sleep--which in turn has caused my TMJ to act up overtime. I'm done, people. I'm done.