So, I started seeing Laura once a week again. However, she and I both discussed my starting to see an actual therapist to work on my deeper issues (Laura is my Biofeedback technician, although I often refer to her as my "therapist" as she has given me guidance and counsel for nearly 5 years). The relaxation techniques I learned from her have helped me tremendously; I am generally more calm, have a slower heart rate, am aware of my breathing, and aware of my teeth clenching. I rarely get chest pains anymore. The light machines I use have helped me as well. But I still have night terrors; I still scream in my sleep. My anxiety and anger sometimes go unchecked, and the side effects are becoming unbearable.
So Laura suggested I see one of the clinical psychologists in her office. I am very leery when it comes to meeting new people. I have trouble making eye contact and being around people in general. But I ran into Dr. Ben on the way out after my appointment with Laura, and he gave me his card and he seems nice enough. He's a kid in his 20s, young, upbeat. Seems a bit hipster-y. He loves animals--he has cats, dogs, birds, snakes, and a turtle. So I might give him a try. I just need to email him to set up an appointment when I'm ready.
The question is: Am I ready? Yes and no. I'm sick of carrying this anger around with me. I know I was emotionally and mentally abused as a child, but I have moved on. It's my subconscious that appears to remain in the past. The relaxation therapy gave me tools, which I greatly needed. My resting heart rate was 130 bpm when I first met Laura. But the underlying issues are still there, and they are keeping me a prisoner. With some good talk therapy, perhaps I can exorcise my demons (or at least try to learn how to control them better). I should be hearing something from the state about my medical marijuana soon, which I believe will also be extremely helpful in my recovery.
Laura says I have graduated from her services and need to move on to the next level. I've grown too comfortable and complacent, and need to be pushed out of my comfort zone. This is the part I don't look forward to. Why? Because it involves *pain.* But sometimes you have to feel bad before you can get better. Sometimes you have to take the medicine regardless of how bitter it might be. So will I put aside my initial discomfort and make an appointment with this guy? I certainly have the time to do so. It's always the first step that is the hardest. We'll see...
Friday, January 26, 2018
Saturday, January 20, 2018
Thursday, January 18, 2018
BORED
So tonite the alcohol withdrawal symptoms are hitting me really hard. It's like a white raging light blasting in my head and my blood is itching. My PTSD is sky high, and I need to figure out a way to calm down. It's always worse at night (which is usually when I drink).
I'll need to search back, but when I got into Mark Borchardt (back in November?) I would have this nightly ritual where I would get drunk and watch "Coven." I would start with NES gameplay of Drakkhen and then as the night wore on--and I became drunker--I would finish with "Coven." Usually at this point I'd be lying on one of the cats' towels or blankets on the floor upstairs in the den, and Onyx would be cuddling with me, watching too. I would end up falling asleep normally around the middle to end, but the main scene(s) I would remember was when Mark would be saying something like, "A little bit of you, and a few of you," while pouring pills into his hand and downing them with liquor. The subject matter (a struggling writer fighting alcoholism) coupled with my [drowning] problems--both literally and figuratively--would be just the thing to sink me into an easy slumber. I actually managed to spill beer on my tablet on two of these nightly occasions (it still works thankfully).
I am very lonely tonite. Jimmy's ignoring me and Kevin fell asleep a few hours ago. Ironically, I am used to being alone. I can usually deal with the loneliness by reading or going online, but nothing is doing it for me tonite. The weekend is approaching too, and that always amplifies my cravings... mainly because I know everyone is partying and I'm not.
I really hope I don't cave and regret it. I'd hate to call Morocco at 2am in the morning while drinking beer. And I don't know what I'm talking about; I'm crazy.
edited to add: It was Christmas Eve when I first saw his movie. I went back and added the tag, so it will be easier for me to find in the future.
edited to add again: I'm the girl tied to the bed, thrashing, in the elevator scene.
I'll need to search back, but when I got into Mark Borchardt (back in November?) I would have this nightly ritual where I would get drunk and watch "Coven." I would start with NES gameplay of Drakkhen and then as the night wore on--and I became drunker--I would finish with "Coven." Usually at this point I'd be lying on one of the cats' towels or blankets on the floor upstairs in the den, and Onyx would be cuddling with me, watching too. I would end up falling asleep normally around the middle to end, but the main scene(s) I would remember was when Mark would be saying something like, "A little bit of you, and a few of you," while pouring pills into his hand and downing them with liquor. The subject matter (a struggling writer fighting alcoholism) coupled with my [drowning] problems--both literally and figuratively--would be just the thing to sink me into an easy slumber. I actually managed to spill beer on my tablet on two of these nightly occasions (it still works thankfully).
I am very lonely tonite. Jimmy's ignoring me and Kevin fell asleep a few hours ago. Ironically, I am used to being alone. I can usually deal with the loneliness by reading or going online, but nothing is doing it for me tonite. The weekend is approaching too, and that always amplifies my cravings... mainly because I know everyone is partying and I'm not.
I really hope I don't cave and regret it. I'd hate to call Morocco at 2am in the morning while drinking beer.
edited to add: It was Christmas Eve when I first saw his movie. I went back and added the tag, so it will be easier for me to find in the future.
edited to add again: I'm the girl tied to the bed, thrashing, in the elevator scene.
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
Monday, January 15, 2018
I MEAN...
I made a Trump supporter friend and live-tweeted through a Mark Borchardt radio show. The universe is mine. #GoWitIt
Saturday, January 6, 2018
BUT WHY IS IT SO PAINFUL?
So doctor was happy when I told him I was off the booze. He said to stay off it. Then he turned to Kevin and said, "She will be going through a rough time the first month [due to the physical withdrawals] and she's going to need you to help her through it."
So what does Kevin do? Keep insisting that we watch "Flyboys."
So what does Kevin do? Keep insisting that we watch "Flyboys."
Friday, January 5, 2018
KEEP GOING
Well, I met with my doctor today to sign up for medical marijuana. I am now in the system and will be mailing a check for $75 to the state. It could take about a month to hear anything back from them, but once I do I can order my medication (I will even get my own ID card!). This makes me very happy. Sure I could use the drugs RIGHT NOW, but I've been like this for about 36 years, so I think I can go one more month.
I need to hold it together no matter how shit awful I feel. I saw Laura today and she reminded me I get particularly out of whack whenever there is big change in my life. My beloved cat, Buster, recently passed away. I finished my medical coding internship last month and now am a fully certified professional coder. I need to update my resume and jump into this new and intimating field with no on-the-job experience. A lot of other stuff happening too, both with my health and my family's health. I love everyone in my life, and I want everyone to feel good, especially because we all felt so bad in 2017. But any minute I feel like everything could fall apart. So we'll see...
I need to hold it together no matter how shit awful I feel. I saw Laura today and she reminded me I get particularly out of whack whenever there is big change in my life. My beloved cat, Buster, recently passed away. I finished my medical coding internship last month and now am a fully certified professional coder. I need to update my resume and jump into this new and intimating field with no on-the-job experience. A lot of other stuff happening too, both with my health and my family's health. I love everyone in my life, and I want everyone to feel good, especially because we all felt so bad in 2017. But any minute I feel like everything could fall apart. So we'll see...
YOU CAN DO IT!
I've already lost 3 pounds since I cut out alcohol from my diet. Looking forward to getting back my hard body (well, maybe not hard, but less squishy).
ONCE YOU GO ORANGE... YOU NEVER GO BACK
Closet Trump supporters have got to be the worst kind of Trump supporters. They secretly love the Orange Cock, but will never openly admit it. Why? Dunno, but here are a few ideas...
1. They're afraid of what the majority of the public will think of them.
2. They're chickenshit.
3. They don't want people to think they're an idiotic, knuckle-dragging moron.
4. They know deep down it's wrong, but it feels so right.
5. They don't want to be banished to the leper colony known as MAGA ASSHATS.
So how to spot a secret Trump supporter? It's easy, and you probably know a few of them in your life already. Look for these key sentences that might vomit repeatedly and uncontrollably from their lips:
1. He's my president.
2. But Hillary.
3. But Bernie.
4. He's your president.
5. He hasn't done anything warranting impeachment.
6. Just ignore him (also: Just ignore his tweets).
7. Everything's fine.
8. This is normal.
9. We've done worse.
10. But Obama.
11. Now that he is president, I will support him if and when he pursues policies with which I agree. I won't support him when I disagree. I am sorry if that upsets you but I am what I am. (This is a direct quote from a closet Trumpie).
Also, they will never come out and attack him. In fact, if you pay attention, you will often find they defend him every time you inform them of the latest idiotic thing he did or said. But to cover up their deep love of the Orange Cock (which I believe is causing a blockage of oxygen to the brain, hence the slow deterioration of cognitive skills... I mean it's not a *big* Orange Cock, but having it in your mouth at all times does make it difficult to speak coherently) they will appear to agree with you by saying things like, "Oh, yeah he's crazy!"
So what to do with your closet Orange Cock loving buddies? Make a coming out party for them resplendent with MAGA hats and streamers, McDonalds, and lots of Diet Coke. You will be liberating that poor suppressed Trump supporter in your life. Think of the relief you will provide them by allowing them to be their true selves. They won't have to lie or cover up, or make any phony excuses anymore. They can spread their MAGA wings and fly!
After all, Nazis need love just like everybody else.
1. They're afraid of what the majority of the public will think of them.
2. They're chickenshit.
3. They don't want people to think they're an idiotic, knuckle-dragging moron.
4. They know deep down it's wrong, but it feels so right.
5. They don't want to be banished to the leper colony known as MAGA ASSHATS.
So how to spot a secret Trump supporter? It's easy, and you probably know a few of them in your life already. Look for these key sentences that might vomit repeatedly and uncontrollably from their lips:
1. He's my president.
2. But Hillary.
3. But Bernie.
4. He's your president.
5. He hasn't done anything warranting impeachment.
6. Just ignore him (also: Just ignore his tweets).
7. Everything's fine.
8. This is normal.
9. We've done worse.
10. But Obama.
11. Now that he is president, I will support him if and when he pursues policies with which I agree. I won't support him when I disagree. I am sorry if that upsets you but I am what I am. (This is a direct quote from a closet Trumpie).
Also, they will never come out and attack him. In fact, if you pay attention, you will often find they defend him every time you inform them of the latest idiotic thing he did or said. But to cover up their deep love of the Orange Cock (which I believe is causing a blockage of oxygen to the brain, hence the slow deterioration of cognitive skills... I mean it's not a *big* Orange Cock, but having it in your mouth at all times does make it difficult to speak coherently) they will appear to agree with you by saying things like, "Oh, yeah he's crazy!"
So what to do with your closet Orange Cock loving buddies? Make a coming out party for them resplendent with MAGA hats and streamers, McDonalds, and lots of Diet Coke. You will be liberating that poor suppressed Trump supporter in your life. Think of the relief you will provide them by allowing them to be their true selves. They won't have to lie or cover up, or make any phony excuses anymore. They can spread their MAGA wings and fly!
After all, Nazis need love just like everybody else.
Thursday, January 4, 2018
THE VEIL THINS
When everything is said and done, you will be a memory floating on the consciousness of my final dream.
WICKED
Through the flames she walks on coal that does not burn her. In this desolate wasteland she thrives where nothing can grow or live. Those that cast her, thrust her, into this oblivion will come to regret it one day. But for now the witch waits, in the dark as she always has. There is no change, only time. ⏳🔮🎇
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
NEW YEAR, NEW ADDICTIONS?
So what do I do when I kick the alcohol habit? I go buy coffee and cigarettes (I buy one pack every 2-5 years). ☕🚬
PROBABLY WILL COME TO NOTHING
I've just hatched a whole novel--beginning, middle, and end---which I've had bits and pieces of floating in my mind for years. It's rough and shaky (and maybe not so great), but it's there in its infant form waiting to grow/hatch into something beautiful, perhaps. I plan to discuss it both with Kevin and Jimmy to see what they think. I have a lot of self doubt with *anything* that I do or create, which keeps me from taking chances. However, lately I've felt more open to new things both scary and creative. I've dreamed of being a writer since I was a small child; I used to write short stories since the age of 7, but stopped when I was about 11.
I've had a bunch of scenes of a magical place in my head, but tonight I put them all together: all the different areas and parts of this place in my mind. I even made a (weak) plot to go with it, but with good storytelling and descriptive writing, I can flesh it out into something decent. After all, I like to show experiences and the feelings attached to them, and let the story come out of that instead of the other way around. It's a dreamlike feel that I have for the style of this novel. There will be a heroin, if you want to call her that. A knight, although he will be enchanted as something else through the whole story. There will be a witch and a toy maker and a cat grove and a main street with lots of tinkling lights. There will be a city and woods on the outskirt, but most importantly, a dock at the end of the land (there will be 2 docks: the one you arrive by boat on and the one at the opposite end of the land, which leads for miles into a dark ocean surrounded by small islands littered with multi-colored shipping crates). There will be ingredients to collect to undo the spell on the knight. There will be much exploring and obstacles along the way.
I already started drawing the map.
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
BUCKLE UP, BRUJA
So sobriety is starting to hit me pretty hard. It always does after a long binge (goodbye, sweet December). I need to stay focused; I already made my 2018 drink journal, and I plan to stick to it. But the nerves, the anxiousness, sets in and it ain't pretty being alone with yourself and your thoughts. This Thursday I have an appt. with my primary doctor to see about getting my medical marijuana prescription. I also have a prescription from my TMJ doc for muscle relaxers. Hopefully once I get on these 2 drugs, I will be more relaxed. I'm also seeing Laura, my biofeedback buddy this Friday. I need all the help I can get as this is looking to be a challenging and intimidating year, lord help me.
WHO ASKED YOU?
I'm very upset right now. I just saw a comment posted on an article about gaming addiction as a mental disorder, and the attacker bringing up the true mental disorder of "people who won't accept their gender." I get very hurt and sad when I see people online carelessly belittling the LGBTQ community. What do they get out of it? Is it truly that rewarding to be hateful to people who are different than you? Does this person know any transgender people? Does he have any transgender family members, friends, or coworkers? Is he a doctor? Does he think gay people are mentally ill as well? Is that what Jesus whispered in his ear? I decided to not even reply to his comment, because I've found it's a waste of time to argue with people who have that much callousness in their heart that they have to shit on minorities. I know in the age of Dump, trolls feel more comfortable than ever coming out of their caves and drooling their useless diatribes at people online. Sure they were always there, but now, thanks to their leader, they're emboldened. It sickens me. Why leave a hateful comment? Especially to a group that has the highest suicide rate amongst teens? What if a transgender youth were to read that (and 2 people liked the comment to boot!)? I just don't get it. It takes time and energy to say something like that on a public forum--just as much time and energy it would take to say something nice and uplifting.
Monday, January 1, 2018
NEW YEAR
I just tallied up the list of days I drank in 2017, and it turned out to be 104. I am very pleased with myself. I kept a "drinking journal" all through the year to help keep track of my drinking habits. I purposely drank less than I have in I don't know how many years. Sure it was difficult, and I slipped into some severe depressions and anxiety attacks, but I made it through and I'm healthier to show for it. I'm ready to do it again this year, and who knows, maybe I'll break my record and drink even less. 😉
I also put on my step counter today as I want to start recording my walking steps again. I used to walk 10,000 steps per day, but have slacked off this past year. I've put on more weight than I ever have in the past, but with the walking (and some floor exercises which I plan to resume 3-4 times per week) I should have no problem shedding the weight. In time, with less drinking and healthier eating, I hope to be back to 120-125 lbs. If I make it there, I want to keep going back to 115, but that's a big if. 115 was a long time ago and I'm no longer a spring chicken. Ha ha ha.
I might sound hopeful, but inside I really am dreading this new year as there are many unknowns ahead (more than usual, I should say). But I hope it's mostly good, not just for myself but for my loved ones and everyone.
I also put on my step counter today as I want to start recording my walking steps again. I used to walk 10,000 steps per day, but have slacked off this past year. I've put on more weight than I ever have in the past, but with the walking (and some floor exercises which I plan to resume 3-4 times per week) I should have no problem shedding the weight. In time, with less drinking and healthier eating, I hope to be back to 120-125 lbs. If I make it there, I want to keep going back to 115, but that's a big if. 115 was a long time ago and I'm no longer a spring chicken. Ha ha ha.
I might sound hopeful, but inside I really am dreading this new year as there are many unknowns ahead (more than usual, I should say). But I hope it's mostly good, not just for myself but for my loved ones and everyone.
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