AYE, AYE

What I need to do is get back into reading, exercising, and just general self-care. Yes, I am in a scary reality, but we all are. I'm also enjoying watching the World Cup. There is still a lot of beauty out there, and wonderful things taking place. I can still educate, but I can enjoy my life too. They are not mutually exclusive. Sometimes you have to take a time-out to reevaluate what's important, to re-energize and regroup. Does that mean it's going to be easy? No. But according to this African proverb: Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.

AND I RAN

I have to realize that people who choose to remain ignorant are lost to me. I will still love them, but I cannot make people believe what is in front of their very eyes. In this age of the internet, there is a lot of information (and disinformation) out there, but everyone has to come to their own conclusions on what is fact and what is fake. For me it is very easy to pick up on pathological liars, cheaters, abusers, and narcissistic megalomaniacs. But just because something is obvious to me, doesn't mean it is that way for others. I just hope it's not too late, once everyone's eyes have finally been opened... and they will be opened.

NOT NORMAL

Mainstream Media Accountability Survey

This is a link in an ad that shows up when I watch youtube videos. If this doesn't reek of North Korea style propaganda bullshit, I don't know what does. Your President is trying to revoke the 1st Amendment and turn America against a free and independent press. Wake the fuck up, sheeple! 

DISTURBING, ALARMING, & CRITICAL

This might be the scariest thing to date (from US Gov website):

Government Reform and Reorg Plan

Summary: privatize, cut, and consolidate power to the Executive Branch. Please read and share. 

IN SOVIET RUSSIA, RED WAVE WASHES OVER YOU! ☭

In other, more fun news: Dump is tweeting about the "Red Wave" coming in November (the #Resistance came up with the "Blue Wave"). I don't know, Spanky--"Red Wave" might not be the best slogan to use when you're under investigation for colluding with Russia. 😂

SHRUG

I'm very close to discontinuing my talk therapy, mainly due to the fact that I can't afford the out-of-pocket fees. Dr. Ben is trying to get on his patients' insurance plans, but it's a process without any guarantee of success. I feel very guilty with the amounts of $$ I am spending, both on therapy and medical marijuana. And in reality, I only feel "relief" for about a few hours after my weekly therapy appointment. While it's helpful, I don't feel it's really doing anything in the long run.

I am barely eating now as my bite is fucked up again after 4+ years of braces. TMJ doc says the arthritis in my joints is causing my jaw to move, so he wants me to get surgery. I've lost 13 lbs in 2018 (yay). Part of it is cutting out the alcohol, my jaw being messed up, and severe anxiety and depression. I still want to lose about 10 more pounds, so I guess I should keep doing what I'm doing. *shrug*

I LIVE BY MY OWN LAW

Someday the screams will stop. 

BUT TELL ME, HOW DO YOU REALLY FEEL?

It's pretty surreal when you're having suicidal thoughts and then the "love of your life" says they want you "out of the house" and "gone." #BeBest

GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Fitter, happier, more productive,
comfortable,
not drinking too much,
regular exercise at the gym
(3 days a week),
getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries,
at ease,
eating well
(no more microwave dinners and saturated fats),
a patient better driver,
a safer car
(baby smiling in back seat),
sleeping well
(no bad dreams),
no paranoia,
careful to all animals
(never washing spiders down the plughole),
keep in contact with old friends
(enjoy a drink now and then),
will frequently check credit at (moral) bank (hole in the wall),
favours for favours,
fond but not in love,
charity standing orders,
on Sundays ring road supermarket
(no killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants),
car wash
(also on Sundays),
no longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows
nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate,
nothing so childish – at a better pace,
slower and more calculated,
no chance of escape,
now self-employed,
concerned (but powerless),
an empowered and informed member of society
(pragmatism not idealism),
will not cry in public,
less chance of illness,
tyres that grip in the wet
(shot of baby strapped in back seat),
a good memory,
still cries at a good film,
still kisses with saliva,
no longer empty and frantic like a cat tied to a stick,
that’s driven into frozen winter shit
(the ability to laugh at weakness),
calm,
fitter,
healthier and more productive
a pig in a cage on antibiotics.

"LET THE LITTLE CHILDREN COME TO ME, AND DO NOT HINDER THEM"

So I'm sure you've seen it splashed all over the news lately: the human rights abuses that are taking place at our Southern border. It seems to me this had been building up over past administrations, but has reached its zenith with the Trump circus.

Sessions's zero-tolerance policy justifies separating families at the border, and for a few reasons. First, it is a fear tactic for others considering fleeing their oppressive countries to seek asylum in the U.S. This is not a new tactic. Slave owners in the south would separate mothers, fathers, and children; they'd be sold to different masters. It would take away the slaves' hope, instill them with fear, and keep them subjugated for generations. The other tactic that Sessions (and slave owners) use is the Bible. By quoting scripture, he and Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, have insisted the Bible tells us to obey the laws of government as we obey God. This is one of the many examples of people weaponizing the Bible to meet their personal agenda. It is cruel, wrong, and the opposite of what Jesus spoke of. The other reason the Trump administration is defending this disgusting policy is because they have to appease their base, which consists of Nazis, xenophobes, white nationalists, and your run-of-the-mill racist Americans. Trump himself has been on twitter the last few days, comparing immigrants to an infestation. He claims that Germany's crime is up because of all the immigrants pouring into the country (yet he lists no source for this data, nor can any be found). He's using the same tactics that Hitler used in the 1930s to blame the Jews for all of Germany's problems; with the support of many citizens, the government was able to seize, terrorize, torture, and kill 6 million Jews (not to mention, gypsies, homosexuals, and political enemies). I've read extensively on the Holocaust (I even read all 1,000 pages of "Mein Kampf"). Trump's rhetoric is nothing new, and it's quite scary that these ideas are being championed in 2018 (although not surprising: I could see Trump's racism a million miles away).

So now I want to bring up the Republican/Alt-Right's argument. "Well, they broke the law by entering the U.S. illegally. We're just enforcing the law." You can enforce the law without being cruel. Remember the Presidential debates between Trump and Hillary? Hillary and Tim Kaine warned that Trump would round up immigrants in a violent, abusive way. Trump/Pence insisted that they would only go after "criminal" aliens, such as MS-13 gang members, rapists, and drug dealers. And yet, here we are lumping abused mothers and fathers seeking safety and asylum for their families, in the same category as criminals. This administration has labeled these families as criminals.

I'm reminded of the "Roma" series by Steven Saylor that I read a few years ago. Ancient Rome was an empire of laws. In one scene a slave had killed its master (the master was trying to rape him, if I recall, and he was acting in self defense). The law at the time was to kill *all* the slaves in retaliation, even though only one had committed a crime. The reasoning was, "If we let them get away with it, they'll think they can kill their masters with no problem and there will be a slave uprising." It was discussed with great severity in the Senate. The master who had been killed owned about 400 slaves at the time. Should they really kill all 400 slaves (some of them pregnant mothers, children, and babies)? Why yes, because they had to enforce the law, and what was a nation without laws? But could they really justify killing innocents even if they were property? In the end they crucified all 400 slaves.

So, my question is this: what are we doing? Yes, laws must be enforced, but when a policy goes against the law of *humanity* then something is terribly wrong. Slavery was once the law in this country. So was Jim Crow and segregation. Where do we draw the line with our humanity (or the lack thereof)? Has the line already been crossed to the point of no return? I sure hope not. Not only for America's sake, but for the world's.

MOTHER WAS ALWAYS SEDATED

"Bates Motel" is the psychological roller coaster I wasn't prepared for.

FOR REFERENCE

10 Plant-Based Protein Sources for Vegans

OO-DE-LALLY

?

Motivational quote on my phone app today: "It's always too early to quit." - Bill Cosby. Ok, den. 👀

SHE'S SO FAR ROUND THE BEND, SHE'S BACK HOME ALREADY

I feel a terrible binge coming on... I've been really good this year, only drinking 10 days. As proud as I am of my commitment to sobriety, this weekend has nearly left me for dead, both emotionally and spiritually. I won't get into details here, but I don't think I have the strength to keep holding it together. Sure, I'm on medication, I'm seeing a therapist for my issues, I'm doing my light-therapy every day... but my jaw is almost broken from all my screaming (I've screamed every night this week since Thursday). I'm terrified to go to sleep, afraid of how I'll hurt myself. I'm suicidal. I'm not ashamed to admit it; I've had suicidal ideations since I was 11. I know I will be like this until the day I finally slip off this mortal plane. It's not a matter of if, but of when. It's like: how long can I prolong the inevitable?

So the question that needs to be addressed is: why do I keep fighting when I know the conclusion? Am I dense? Stupid? Delusional? People who commit suicide don't just decide to do it one day at the drop of a hat. No, suicide is something someone like myself thinks about all the time, anytime, anywhere. It's a friend that sits upon my shoulder, haunting me wherever I go. And then when I try to interact in this cruel, tortured world, my little ghoul shimmies and shakes with fervent joy. "Keep going," the voice tells me. "You'll be free and the world will be free once you're gone." A fair bargain if you ask little ol' me.

DATE HERE: LAB RESULT HERE

Forgive me for my transgressions.

WE SHOULD CRAWL UNDER THE BRACKEN

One day it all won't matter. All the screaming (both at night and during the day), all the useless tug and pull that is life, all the tears shed for no one and nothing, all the meaningless words fallen on deaf ears... none of it matters and it never will. We were born to suffer, to maim and be maimed. To jump through hoops of fiery rings--only to land in a swirling pool of lava. We chide ourselves that this is it: to fight and fight and fight and fight and fight and fight and fight and then die. In our minds we make up a fantasy to ward off reality. We escape in books, movies, games, drugs, alcohol, sex, work, religion. But we're zombies; we go to our allocated places of congregation, we portray our allocated roles appropriately and with zeal. But we haven't been aware of what we're doing and saying for millennia. We're hopelessly asleep... and in slumber do we dream... dreams of passion and dreams of horror. Life and death. And then...?

SURREAL COOPER

FILTHY GORGEOUS

June is the official month of LGBTQ Pride. This is a minority group that has a high rate of suicide. Why is this? There are many marginalized minority groups out there, but for some reason the LGBTQ community is one of the hardest hit. In fact, researchers have found that attempted suicide rates and suicidal ideation among lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) youth is comparatively higher than among the general population.

As a bi-sexual woman myself, I feel it is very important that I not only support my community, but also share the truth about what we go through on a daily basis.

I suppose it's good to start at the beginning. When I was a kid growing up, I was very confused about my sexuality. I would get crushes on boys, but I was also attracted to women's bodies. For a very long time I thought there was something severely wrong with myself. I asked my mom about "the gay" and she explained it to me. But I knew I wasn't gay. But was I straight, I asked myself. Not exactly. So for years I stumbled awkwardly through my childhood believing I must be an alien from another planet, and a very broken one at that. It wasn't until I was about 11 years old, when I was reading a magazine discussing the hit single of the time, "Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover" by Sophie B. Hawkins, that a new notion dawned on me. The article talked about how this song alluded to bi-sexuality. Now, mind you, I had never heard of the term bi-sexual. But immediately, when my eyes rolled over that word, I knew the meaning of it and I knew that it was the best label to describe myself. The relief I felt was immeasurable.

But my joy was short-lived. The buzz in the 90s was that gay was a choice, it was a mental disease, it was the fastest ticket to hell. Quite literally, if you're gay, Jesus wants you to kill yourself. Most people I came out to were fine with it, and super supportive. I remember a comment my mom made about bi-sexuality a long time ago: "I understand gay people, but bi? Those people are just sick." She has since changed her viewpoint to one of total embrace and understanding of the whole LGBTQ community (as millions of others have, thankfully). But the fact remains, that millions more still want to eradicate these individuals from the face of the earth (and if they can't, the next best thing is to terrorize them to the point where suicide seems the only viable solution). There are still hate-crimes happening every day, and our current government is doing everything in its power to strip LGBTQ of their rights (thanks, Mike Pence and Co.)

So, on this Pride Month of 2018, I want to send a message to those targeted because of their sexual and/or gender identity (and yay for those super fluid mofos!). Hang in there! You are worth it! Fuck those who aren't in your crew, they are just too high on all their hate and superiority. They are actually insecure, unloved individuals themselves, who feel better when they take their hatred out on the weak and downtrodden. But we are neither of those things. We are humans, with love, fear, insecurities, hopes, and dreams. We want to be accepted by all, but we won't be. And that's ok. It doesn't diminish, in any way, our validity--our humanity. And there's good news. We have a shit-ton of straight allies. Yes, you can be straight and still stand with us. And I'd like to thank these allies, who fight for us even when sometimes we don't have the will to fight. We see you, we appreciate you, and we thank you.

Now, go out there and be fabulous!