OZMA & DOROTHY

I dunno, therapy wasn't so good today. I felt very vulnerable about the things we discussed, and his reaction to them. I mean, I'm glad I got a job and things are looking up, but no matter what I do, I always feel disconnected from the world. I feel like an onlooker instead of a participant. I'm afraid to even allow myself the minutest of joys, because I've been trained to reject it because it doesn't belong to me. Dr. Ben said not to be hard on myself, or judge myself, but I don't know how to not do those things. I'm still ever drowned in fear, and there is nowhere to run to. I keep finding myself in endless corridors with endless twists and turns, and they always lead to one thing: DEAD END.

2019 YOU PESKY DEVIL

Today was not a very good day. I ended up going to therapy pre-anxious, wanting to talk about certain topics. In the end, I just rambled for the entire hour, going off on a million different tangents. I felt like Trump when he vomits a word salad without really saying anything substantial. Then the topic shifted, and things got really Twin Peaks-esque. The word "transference" came up (he said it; I had it in my head from before), and then I told him I felt like I was Dale Cooper's big faded face saying, "We live inside a dream."

Then after therapy, I recorded a 26 minute video of myself discussing mental health, the New Year, etc. I put a lot into it, getting really emotional and even tearing up at some points. At the 26 minute mark I noted that my phone only had enough room to record 10 more minutes of video. Then my phone battery died. When I turned my phone back on, the video was *gone*gone*gone*.

I have no room on my phone for the UberEats app.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?

Edgar Allen Poe inspired H.P. Lovecraft; H.P. Lovecraft inspired Stephen King.

"Perhaps someday, you will inspire someone." My therapist to me, yesterday. And yes, he's good. And no, I really don't care who is lying to me at this point, or even if they are lying or telling the truth. For the first time in 36 years I am starting to finally believe in myself, and my abilities. And you know what? It feels fucking good, man.

SHRUG

I'm very close to discontinuing my talk therapy, mainly due to the fact that I can't afford the out-of-pocket fees. Dr. Ben is trying to get on his patients' insurance plans, but it's a process without any guarantee of success. I feel very guilty with the amounts of $$ I am spending, both on therapy and medical marijuana. And in reality, I only feel "relief" for about a few hours after my weekly therapy appointment. While it's helpful, I don't feel it's really doing anything in the long run.

I am barely eating now as my bite is fucked up again after 4+ years of braces. TMJ doc says the arthritis in my joints is causing my jaw to move, so he wants me to get surgery. I've lost 13 lbs in 2018 (yay). Part of it is cutting out the alcohol, my jaw being messed up, and severe anxiety and depression. I still want to lose about 10 more pounds, so I guess I should keep doing what I'm doing. *shrug*

BEEEEEEE YOURSELF 🐝

Therapy was lit today! Apparently I don't have to change; I am fine the way I am. Who woulda thunkit?!

WE'RE CUTTING OFF THE REINFORCEMENTS, MA'AM

So today's therapy session did not go so great, and not because of the actual therapy, but because my doctor is moving to a different location in 2 months and won't be covered under my insurance. He gave me the heads-up (which I appreciate) so that I could make the necessary adjustments when the time comes: either a) call my insurance to find out if they cover out-of-network (they don't); b) pay $80 per visit (can't afford it); or c) get a new therapist (now when I am finally starting to open up and make a remote semblance of progress). Naturally, this has flung me into my "worry, worry, worry" state, which is completely defeating and depressing. Couple that with the fact that my night terrors have been keeping me in a state of frenzied panic--when instead I should be getting restful sleep--which in turn has caused my TMJ to act up overtime. I'm done, people. I'm done.

MEH

Had a good session with Dr. Ben today, although it was a somber one as we discussed the high school shooting in Parkland, and commented on how close it was to home (literally). I really hope something can be done about gun violence in this country; I know there are a lot of crazy gun fanatics here, but even they must be aware of how dangerous and repetitious this is becoming.

I've been taking smaller doses of the medical marijuana, mostly to use it up because I refuse to throw it away. The hybrid I much prefer, but I only bought a half bottle of that one whereas I bought a full bottle of the Indica (just saying that word gives me bad vibes). Too bad I couldn't sell it to someone else, but I know it is illegal to do so. I will eventually buy a prescription of the CBD oil which contains 0.8% of high THC (medical marijuana). For now I am taking my over-the-counter CBD oil with 1-5mg doses of the medical marijuana.

Other than that, not much else to report. I finally got off my butt and sent my resume to a few places online. One already sent out an email to me in the form of a negative. This field is tricky to get into even with certification.

This weekend we're going to the Renaissance festival. I'm trying so hard to lose weight, but what with Superbowl Sunday, Valentine's, and now the festival, I'm finding it very hard to stick to the diet. I've lost 5 lbs so far in the new year, but I have *soooo* much more to go. I also want to drink so badly, but I'm trying to stay sober as much as possible because if I don't I will get even fatter, and I need to fit into my interview suit. Haven't drank in 2018... wanna die.


P.S. There is also a small church carnival down the street from my house I want to go to. I don't want to ride the rides... I want to eat the delicious deep-fried yummies. But I can't because I am on a diet! 😭

P.P.S. What I really want to do is get drunk and watch "Coven" with Onyx. I need a vacation! 😭

MEDICAL UPDATE

Well, update on new therapist and medical marijuana: Loved my first appointment with Dr. Ben, and I overdosed on my first try of medical marijuana! I'll begin with my appointment. I was, of course, very nervous going into it. I brought my light machine to do my light therapy while I spoke with him. I noticed he seemed a bit confused when I put the super futuristic glasses on and explained to him about the lasers and how they change your brain. Upon texting Laura later, I found out that he had never seen a light therapy machine before. It's really funny because I probably looked a little crazy to him, but oh well. We have a lot of work to do, but he seems really cool and his room had some neat decor (lots of African style art, a map of Jurassic Park and a framed score from the soundtrack, space art, a fountain, and a small ceramic wolf, to name a few things). I have another appointment with him next Thursday, and it can't come sooner enough.

Now for the marijuana... shopping for it was an experience in and of itself. We ended up going to 2 dispensaries in Lake Worth. The first one we went to was called Curaleaf. They were extremely busy and disorganized and seemed to know very little about which strain for me to use. Luckily, I had done research online about the different products, so I pretty much knew what I wanted. The doctor had filled me a generous prescription in both vape and oil forms, but not for pills which is what I really wanted. The gentleman at the counter explained to me you can only have 2 types filled at a time, so he advised me to call my doctor and remove the vape prescription (I have no intention of vaping) and change it to a pill prescription. To make a long story short, I purchased 2 types of oils, but I found out the hard way they only take cash, so we had to go on a merry chase to Walgreens and Winn Dixie to look for cashback.We were able to procure $80 of which I bought a 600mg bottle of Indica and a 300mg bottle of a hybrid strain of 10:1 THC (marijuana mixture of Indica/Sativa) and CBD oil. I wasn't too happy with the way I felt rushed, and the fact that the gentleman at the counter seemed to not have any real idea what would be good for PTSD. It was more, "What do you want?" So I went with Indica because I had read it was for nighttime use, and with the hybrid for daytime use (the mixture is supposed to promote relaxation without drowsiness).

Even though I had no more cash, I decided to swing by the other dispensary, Knox Medical, since it was just down the street (they also had rave reviews online--the only reason I hadn't gone to them first was because they don't offer pills, but since I was unable to get pills anyway, I felt a bit defeated). Anyways, their operation was a whole 'nother world: the office was quiet, peaceful, and welcoming. They had soft, hippie music playing in the background (I kid you not!) and white floors with gold sparkles. The girl that took me to the back for the consultation was not rushing me and gave me some good information even though I told her I wasn't buying anything. The thing I found disconcerting was that she seemed about as knowledgeable as the guy from Curaleaf. I was beginning to feel that no one was going to hand me the "magic" bottle, but more that I had to discover it myself through trial and error. Their brochure recommended CBD oil for PTSD, but when I asked the girl she said to try Sativa (Sativa is a day time strain used for energy/to fight depression). Indica (the one I had bought) was a nighttime strain to help with sleeping disorders, so I thought that would help with my night terrors. But she said different strains/combos have different effects on different people. I expressed to her how stressful this was to me, and she assured me that it's very intimidating to most at the beginning. So I went home with the goodies.

Since it was Saturday night, I decided to use the Indica to get feelings of sedation and relaxation. I took my dose, 20mg/2mL, and watched last week's episode of "The X-Files" with Jimmy and Kevin. I didn't feel much of anything during the episode, and was actually slightly disappointed. The dose seemed large enough to me, and it was the amount my doctor had prescribed, which is why I took the whole dropper amount (1mL x 2). The oil stank like marijuana which grossed me out; I had thought they would mask the taste with cherry or mint or anything else pleasing. It didn't taste bad (it was mostly tasteless), but it had a slimy, oily texture. I held it under my tongue for a few minutes as I do my CBD oil. It wasn't until about 2 hours later that it started hitting me: hard. After "The X-Files" Jimmy and I decided to watch an old Italian movie, and halfway into I started feeling fuzzy-like. It was ok at first, just tingly around my mouth, then my nose, then moving up to my forehead. I had a burning sensation in the back of my throat, which was unpleasant, and then the burning started in the pit of my stomach as well. As time moved into the 3rd hour I started to feel worse. I was nauseous with the feeling that I might vomit. The tingling was alternating on different parts of my body. My eyes felt so heavy like bricks were resting on my eyelids. I felt drugged in a bad way. I was able to finish the movie, but just barely.

At this point, I was starting to trip badly. I could barely walk; my legs felt like rubber. The tingling was becoming stronger with waves of nausea. My husband had to help/almost carry me up the stairs. For 2 hours I lay in bed feeling like I was ODing. I've sometimes drank too much, but this was much worse. It was like I had taken 10 shots of whiskey. My body was alternating from floating, tingling, burning, nausea, stomach pain. Kevin talked to me and tried to sooth me, as I started getting really paranoid and began crying. My heart was racing, but my body was so heavy and thick. It was why I remember I never liked marijuana, the few times I had tried it as a teenager. I was out of control, with no idea of where this trip was going or how long it would last. I ended up falling asleep around 2 or 3am, but had a screaming frenzy around 5am. Kevin had to wake me up to snap me out of it. Needless to say, I had a very bad reaction. I was buzzed most of today and still have a sour feeling in the pit of my stomach. I think I need to go back on the CBD oil, but on a stronger strain (the over the counter stuff I was using is made from hemp).

This whole experience has had the opposite effect for me. Even meeting with Dr. Ben, while it was good, all week I was nervous and sleeping badly, and then the marijuana incident just made me more nervous and ill. Story of my life, it seems. Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment, then an appointment with my orthodontist on Tuesday. These are stressing me out, as our dentist no longer takes my insurance, so this might be my last cleaning with them for the year (until Kevin can change our plan back to a PPO next year). The problem is that I have a (messed up?) gum or (something stuck) in my gum under my permanent retainer (I have a gold strip on the inside of my bottom front teeth). So I want my hygienist to check that out, but I will also have my orthodontist look at it. Doctors' appointments stress me out to begin with, but all this stuff with my gum and then recovering from this ordeal, and *not* having relief... I'm ready to sit down and cry.

Story of my life.

NEXT LEVEL THERAPY...?

So, I started seeing Laura once a week again. However, she and I both discussed my starting to see an actual therapist to work on my deeper issues (Laura is my Biofeedback technician, although I often refer to her as my "therapist" as she has given me guidance and counsel for nearly 5 years). The relaxation techniques I learned from her have helped me tremendously; I am generally more calm, have a slower heart rate, am aware of my breathing, and aware of my teeth clenching. I rarely get chest pains anymore. The light machines I use have helped me as well. But I still have night terrors; I still scream in my sleep. My anxiety and anger sometimes go unchecked, and the side effects are becoming unbearable.

So Laura suggested I see one of the clinical psychologists in her office. I am very leery when it comes to meeting new people. I have trouble making eye contact and being around people in general. But I ran into Dr. Ben on the way out after my appointment with Laura, and he gave me his card and he seems nice enough. He's a kid in his 20s, young, upbeat. Seems a bit hipster-y. He loves animals--he has cats, dogs, birds, snakes, and a turtle. So I might give him a try. I just need to email him to set up an appointment when I'm ready.

The question is: Am I ready? Yes and no. I'm sick of carrying this anger around with me. I know I was emotionally and mentally abused as a child, but I have moved on. It's my subconscious that appears to remain in the past. The relaxation therapy gave me tools, which I greatly needed. My resting heart rate was 130 bpm when I first met Laura. But the underlying issues are still there, and they are keeping me a prisoner. With some good talk therapy, perhaps I can exorcise my demons (or at least try to learn how to control them better). I should be hearing something from the state about my medical marijuana soon, which I believe will also be extremely helpful in my recovery.

Laura says I have graduated from her services and need to move on to the next level. I've grown too comfortable and complacent, and need to be pushed out of my comfort zone. This is the part I don't look forward to. Why? Because it involves *pain.* But sometimes you have to feel bad before you can get better. Sometimes you have to take the medicine regardless of how bitter it might be. So will I put aside my initial discomfort and make an appointment with this guy? I certainly have the time to do so. It's always the first step that is the hardest. We'll see...