MEH

Had a good session with Dr. Ben today, although it was a somber one as we discussed the high school shooting in Parkland, and commented on how close it was to home (literally). I really hope something can be done about gun violence in this country; I know there are a lot of crazy gun fanatics here, but even they must be aware of how dangerous and repetitious this is becoming.

I've been taking smaller doses of the medical marijuana, mostly to use it up because I refuse to throw it away. The hybrid I much prefer, but I only bought a half bottle of that one whereas I bought a full bottle of the Indica (just saying that word gives me bad vibes). Too bad I couldn't sell it to someone else, but I know it is illegal to do so. I will eventually buy a prescription of the CBD oil which contains 0.8% of high THC (medical marijuana). For now I am taking my over-the-counter CBD oil with 1-5mg doses of the medical marijuana.

Other than that, not much else to report. I finally got off my butt and sent my resume to a few places online. One already sent out an email to me in the form of a negative. This field is tricky to get into even with certification.

This weekend we're going to the Renaissance festival. I'm trying so hard to lose weight, but what with Superbowl Sunday, Valentine's, and now the festival, I'm finding it very hard to stick to the diet. I've lost 5 lbs so far in the new year, but I have *soooo* much more to go. I also want to drink so badly, but I'm trying to stay sober as much as possible because if I don't I will get even fatter, and I need to fit into my interview suit. Haven't drank in 2018... wanna die.


P.S. There is also a small church carnival down the street from my house I want to go to. I don't want to ride the rides... I want to eat the delicious deep-fried yummies. But I can't because I am on a diet! 😭

P.P.S. What I really want to do is get drunk and watch "Coven" with Onyx. I need a vacation! 😭

BORED

So tonite the alcohol withdrawal symptoms are hitting me really hard. It's like a white raging light blasting in my head and my blood is itching. My PTSD is sky high, and I need to figure out a way to calm down. It's always worse at night (which is usually when I drink).

I'll need to search back, but when I got into Mark Borchardt (back in November?) I would have this nightly ritual where I would get drunk and watch "Coven." I would start with NES gameplay of Drakkhen and then as the night wore on--and I became drunker--I would finish with "Coven." Usually at this point I'd be lying on one of the cats' towels or blankets on the floor upstairs in the den, and Onyx would be cuddling with me, watching too. I would end up falling asleep normally around the middle to end, but the main scene(s) I would remember was when Mark would be saying something like, "A little bit of you, and a few of you," while pouring pills into his hand and downing them with liquor. The subject matter (a struggling writer fighting alcoholism) coupled with my [drowning] problems--both literally and figuratively--would be just the thing to sink me into an easy slumber. I actually managed to spill beer on my tablet on two of these nightly occasions (it still works thankfully).

I am very lonely tonite. Jimmy's ignoring me and Kevin fell asleep a few hours ago. Ironically, I am used to being alone. I can usually deal with the loneliness by reading or going online, but nothing is doing it for me tonite. The weekend is approaching too, and that always amplifies my cravings... mainly because I know everyone is partying and I'm not.

I really hope I don't cave and regret it. I'd hate to call Morocco at 2am in the morning while drinking beer.                                                                                                                                And I don't know what I'm talking about; I'm crazy.


edited to add: It was Christmas Eve when I first saw his movie. I went back and added the tag, so it will be easier for me to find in the future.

edited to add again: I'm the girl tied to the bed, thrashing, in the elevator scene.

LIFE IS GOOD

Drinking wine and watching Drakkhen gameplay on youtube with Onyx. Life is good... as it should be.