WIIIIIIIINE

Wow, I might have to go back to being an alcoholic just to try this! 

THE MOUNTAINS OF MADNESS

I'm slowly weaning myself off the medical marijuana. I shouldn't have to do this because it is legal in my state of Florida, and it helps me with my PTSD, my night terrors, and my TMJ. But, because of the stigma still associated with marijuana, and the fact that most employers require drug tests for new hires, I have decided I must suffer a little more in my life so that I may get a job. Am I pissed? Hell yeah, you bet I am. This whole ordeal of beating my alcohol addiction (sober for 165 days), and now having to beat my dependence on medical marijuana thanks to a high-level medical company essentially blacklisting me--let's just say I stared into the abyss this week, and it stared back into my soul.

What now? I need to keep moving; like trudging through a snow-capped mountain range in the middle of a blizzard, I have-to-keep-moving-or-I-will-collapse-into-the-soft-powdery-snow-and-never-wake-up-again. The cold can be comforting, but also deceiving. It numbs you--tricks you--into a false sense of safety. But in reality, it's slowly sucking the life-essence out of your exhausted body.

How do I keep moving? Write. It's my one true joy, both therapeutic and cathartic. Also, keep looking for work. This company that rejected me (they don't even have the basic decency to call me on the phone and tell me so) have lost the best coder they could ever hope to find. But that's ok. I will keep looking; I will keep climbing that snowy mountain even if it kills me in the process. That is life: an eternal struggle to fight death.

AUTO PILOT

I've lost 18 pounds in 2018.

I've drank 10 days in 2018.

I've been sober for 5 months.

I am being discriminated against in my quest for work because I am on medical marijuana.

I've been prescribed Prozac and Buspirone so I can get off the marijuana.

I'm tired.

SHE'S SO FAR ROUND THE BEND, SHE'S BACK HOME ALREADY

I feel a terrible binge coming on... I've been really good this year, only drinking 10 days. As proud as I am of my commitment to sobriety, this weekend has nearly left me for dead, both emotionally and spiritually. I won't get into details here, but I don't think I have the strength to keep holding it together. Sure, I'm on medication, I'm seeing a therapist for my issues, I'm doing my light-therapy every day... but my jaw is almost broken from all my screaming (I've screamed every night this week since Thursday). I'm terrified to go to sleep, afraid of how I'll hurt myself. I'm suicidal. I'm not ashamed to admit it; I've had suicidal ideations since I was 11. I know I will be like this until the day I finally slip off this mortal plane. It's not a matter of if, but of when. It's like: how long can I prolong the inevitable?

So the question that needs to be addressed is: why do I keep fighting when I know the conclusion? Am I dense? Stupid? Delusional? People who commit suicide don't just decide to do it one day at the drop of a hat. No, suicide is something someone like myself thinks about all the time, anytime, anywhere. It's a friend that sits upon my shoulder, haunting me wherever I go. And then when I try to interact in this cruel, tortured world, my little ghoul shimmies and shakes with fervent joy. "Keep going," the voice tells me. "You'll be free and the world will be free once you're gone." A fair bargain if you ask little ol' me.

SMILE FOR THE CAMERA!

Update of sorts: I've lost 9.5 lbs in 2018! I've drank 4 days in 2018! I'm feeling ok for the most part. Working on my personal health and happiness. Strangely looking forward to this Thursday...

SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHO HE IS

We're going to Disney in 2 weeks to take advantage of the Flower and Garden Festival at Epcot. Note: I am planning to get drunk and stay that way for at least 3 weeks. In the interim, medical marijuana is helping me to cope.

My stash, in the form of edibles (sublingual drops). You can hate me now.

At first I hated it because it is certainly different than alcohol. The last time I visited the marijuana store, the lady told me it takes time to figure out what works/find the right combination. She said, "You have to be your own chemist." So I've been easing in with CBD/Hemp oil, then CBD/High THC (small amounts), then toying with my daytime Sativa hybrid, and finally starting to use the Indica I got sick on (taking half the dose now). I've had mixed results, both good and not-so-good, but it *is* keeping me off the booze, which I am eternally grateful for. The less I drink, the better it is. I've been sober all year (64 days)! I've also lost a total of 6 lbs. in the New Year! Despite all these pluses, I am borderline, doom-and-gloom, drowning in fear. But that is my normal state while not partaking. I don't know if I'll ever escape...

Speaking of escaping... listening to this new tune by Smooth McGroove (while the Indica starts to tingle me) is a nice trip...

OH, MATERIA, HOW I'VE MISSED YOU!

I've been sober all year! 😭 The good news is I just downloaded Final Fantasy VII onto my PS4. You know where I'll be tonite! 😃

BORED

So tonite the alcohol withdrawal symptoms are hitting me really hard. It's like a white raging light blasting in my head and my blood is itching. My PTSD is sky high, and I need to figure out a way to calm down. It's always worse at night (which is usually when I drink).

I'll need to search back, but when I got into Mark Borchardt (back in November?) I would have this nightly ritual where I would get drunk and watch "Coven." I would start with NES gameplay of Drakkhen and then as the night wore on--and I became drunker--I would finish with "Coven." Usually at this point I'd be lying on one of the cats' towels or blankets on the floor upstairs in the den, and Onyx would be cuddling with me, watching too. I would end up falling asleep normally around the middle to end, but the main scene(s) I would remember was when Mark would be saying something like, "A little bit of you, and a few of you," while pouring pills into his hand and downing them with liquor. The subject matter (a struggling writer fighting alcoholism) coupled with my [drowning] problems--both literally and figuratively--would be just the thing to sink me into an easy slumber. I actually managed to spill beer on my tablet on two of these nightly occasions (it still works thankfully).

I am very lonely tonite. Jimmy's ignoring me and Kevin fell asleep a few hours ago. Ironically, I am used to being alone. I can usually deal with the loneliness by reading or going online, but nothing is doing it for me tonite. The weekend is approaching too, and that always amplifies my cravings... mainly because I know everyone is partying and I'm not.

I really hope I don't cave and regret it. I'd hate to call Morocco at 2am in the morning while drinking beer.                                                                                                                                And I don't know what I'm talking about; I'm crazy.


edited to add: It was Christmas Eve when I first saw his movie. I went back and added the tag, so it will be easier for me to find in the future.

edited to add again: I'm the girl tied to the bed, thrashing, in the elevator scene.

BUT WHY IS IT SO PAINFUL?

So doctor was happy when I told him I was off the booze. He said to stay off it. Then he turned to Kevin and said, "She will be going through a rough time the first month [due to the physical withdrawals] and she's going to need you to help her through it."

So what does Kevin do? Keep insisting that we watch "Flyboys."

YOU CAN DO IT!

I've already lost 3 pounds since I cut out alcohol from my diet. Looking forward to getting back my hard body (well, maybe not hard, but less squishy).

NEW YEAR, NEW ADDICTIONS?

So what do I do when I kick the alcohol habit? I go buy coffee and cigarettes (I buy one pack every 2-5 years). ☕🚬

BUCKLE UP, BRUJA

So sobriety is starting to hit me pretty hard. It always does after a long binge (goodbye, sweet December). I need to stay focused; I already made my 2018 drink journal, and I plan to stick to it. But the nerves, the anxiousness, sets in and it ain't pretty being alone with yourself and your thoughts. This Thursday I have an appt. with my primary doctor to see about getting my medical marijuana prescription. I also have a prescription from my TMJ doc for muscle relaxers. Hopefully once I get on these 2 drugs, I will be more relaxed. I'm also seeing Laura, my biofeedback buddy this Friday. I need all the help I can get as this is looking to be a challenging and intimidating year, lord help me.

NEW YEAR

I just tallied up the list of days I drank in 2017, and it turned out to be 104. I am very pleased with myself. I kept a "drinking journal" all through the year to  help keep track of my drinking habits. I purposely drank less than I have in I don't know how many years. Sure it was difficult, and I slipped into some severe depressions and anxiety attacks, but I made it through and I'm healthier to show for it. I'm ready to do it again this year, and who knows, maybe I'll break my record and drink even less. 😉

I also put on my step counter today as I want to start recording my walking steps again. I used to walk 10,000 steps per day, but have slacked off this past year. I've put on more weight than I ever have in the past, but with the walking (and some floor exercises which I plan to resume 3-4 times per week) I should have no problem shedding the weight. In time, with less drinking and healthier eating, I hope to be back to 120-125 lbs. If I make it there, I want to keep going back to 115, but that's a big if. 115 was a long time ago and I'm no longer a spring chicken. Ha ha ha.

I might sound hopeful, but inside I really am dreading this new year as there are many unknowns ahead (more than usual, I should say). But I hope it's mostly good, not just for myself but for my loved ones and everyone.

O CHRISTMAS BEER, O CHRISTMAS BEER

Going to the liquor store in hopes to find this: