THE FLOWER OF EDEN

I think I've found my writing style: Gothic romance. I think reading Nathaniel Hawthorne has changed my life. I've only just finished "The House of the Seven Gables," but now I need to read more. I think "Twice-Told Tales," which is a collection of short stories, will be next on my list. There is a Vincent Price lead here; had it not been for watching him act in the film "The House of the Seven Gables," I might never had picked up the book. I also enjoyed him in the film version of "Twice-Told Tales" (hence why it is next on my list).

Another style/inspiration for me is L.M. Montgomery, the author of the "Anne of Green Gables" series (I just noticed the gable reference!). Though a bit later than Nathaniel Hawthorne, it's the innocent, wholesome prose that I love about her books. Hawthorne has this too, but in a darker shade. Let me be clear: my stories will not necessarily be Victorian. But the style of my writing will be drawn from that classic, dusty cobweb feel.

I'm getting that passion again--that desire that I had just sworn away but a few hours ago. I don't like these constant and turbulent ups and downs. While I enjoy that I am on a small high at this moment, I dread the inevitable fall that is bound to follow. I would prefer a more constant monotone of stability, no matter how dull. I need calmness more than anything right now.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?

Edgar Allen Poe inspired H.P. Lovecraft; H.P. Lovecraft inspired Stephen King.

"Perhaps someday, you will inspire someone." My therapist to me, yesterday. And yes, he's good. And no, I really don't care who is lying to me at this point, or even if they are lying or telling the truth. For the first time in 36 years I am starting to finally believe in myself, and my abilities. And you know what? It feels fucking good, man.

THE MOUNTAINS OF MADNESS

I'm slowly weaning myself off the medical marijuana. I shouldn't have to do this because it is legal in my state of Florida, and it helps me with my PTSD, my night terrors, and my TMJ. But, because of the stigma still associated with marijuana, and the fact that most employers require drug tests for new hires, I have decided I must suffer a little more in my life so that I may get a job. Am I pissed? Hell yeah, you bet I am. This whole ordeal of beating my alcohol addiction (sober for 165 days), and now having to beat my dependence on medical marijuana thanks to a high-level medical company essentially blacklisting me--let's just say I stared into the abyss this week, and it stared back into my soul.

What now? I need to keep moving; like trudging through a snow-capped mountain range in the middle of a blizzard, I have-to-keep-moving-or-I-will-collapse-into-the-soft-powdery-snow-and-never-wake-up-again. The cold can be comforting, but also deceiving. It numbs you--tricks you--into a false sense of safety. But in reality, it's slowly sucking the life-essence out of your exhausted body.

How do I keep moving? Write. It's my one true joy, both therapeutic and cathartic. Also, keep looking for work. This company that rejected me (they don't even have the basic decency to call me on the phone and tell me so) have lost the best coder they could ever hope to find. But that's ok. I will keep looking; I will keep climbing that snowy mountain even if it kills me in the process. That is life: an eternal struggle to fight death.

I'M THE ONLY THING STANDING IN THE WAY OF MYSELF

So I've wanted to be a writer since I was a young child. I began keeping a journal at the age of 7, and started writing short stories soon after. I used to fantasize about the titles of my books: I tried to come up with titles that were dreamy, fairy-like, and ethereal. I remember letting my mom read a passage from one of my short stories, and her critiquing me as if I was an adult (I was a little kid!). Although that deflated me a little, I kept going.

I haven't written anything in years. What happened? Life got in the way, and now when I try to write I do things that make the process almost unbearable. I edit as I write, instead of just writing freely and editing later. This slows down the work and makes it more tedious than it needs to be. I'm obsessive when it comes to proper grammar and sentence structure. As a homeschooler who mainly taught myself, I never had a formal education, so I always doubt my writing skills. When I was in college I had to write a lot of papers, and a few of my professors commented favorably on my writing, one going so far as to suggest I had a great imagination and should take a course in creative writing. But I suffer from impostor syndrome and end up convincing myself I'm a shite writer that will never make it. Also, I have dozens of stories in my head, and I have no idea where to start. I have a very short attention span, and writing a book requires a decent amount of commitment. Sometimes I feel like something horrible has to happen in my personal life in order for me to surrender and write uninhibited. I'd rather just start writing without such a depressing push. I'm just wondering if, like  J. K. Rowling, I have to be motivated by pain and desperation. I'm sure that motivates a lot of authors. Unfortunately, it doesn't always guarantee success. And yet, wise men have urged us to work regardless of the fruit of the labor, but for the work itself. Therein lies the true joy.

PROBABLY WILL COME TO NOTHING

I've just hatched a whole novel--beginning, middle, and end---which I've had bits and pieces of floating in my mind for years. It's rough and shaky (and maybe not so great), but it's there in its infant form waiting to grow/hatch into something beautiful, perhaps. I plan to discuss it both with Kevin and Jimmy to see what they think. I have a lot of self doubt with *anything* that I do or create, which keeps me from taking chances. However, lately I've felt more open to new things both scary and creative. I've dreamed of being a writer since I was a small child; I used to write short stories since the age of 7, but stopped when I was about 11.

I've had a bunch of scenes of a magical place in my head, but tonight I put them all together: all the different areas and parts of this place in my mind. I even made a (weak) plot to go with it, but with good storytelling and descriptive writing, I can flesh it out into something decent. After all, I like to show experiences and the feelings attached to them, and let the story come out of that instead of the other way around. It's a dreamlike feel that I have for the style of this novel. There will be a heroin, if you want to call her that. A knight, although he will be enchanted as something else through the whole story. There will be a witch and a toy maker and a cat grove and a main street with lots of tinkling lights. There will be a city and woods on the outskirt, but most importantly, a dock at the end of the land (there will be 2 docks: the one you arrive by boat on and the one at the opposite end of the land, which leads for miles into a dark ocean surrounded by small islands littered with multi-colored shipping crates). There will be ingredients to collect to undo the spell on the knight. There will be much exploring and obstacles along the way.

I already started drawing the map.

MUSINGS

I think when you're writing for the public some of the pureness gets lost because you are anticipating what your audience wants verses writing for yourself. How to satisfy both without losing integrity? Therein lies the conundrum.