EVEN THE DRUGS DON'T LIKE ME - OMITTED POST 0CT 2018

So as time goes by, I start to realize more and more that people will hurt me. It doesn't matter who it is, or even if they've never hurt me—at some point, they will. At some point, their love for me will become tainted, as well as my love for them. Because, you see, love is an idea man has encapsulated in its existence. Why? I think it's to give man something to cling to in this cold, desolate wasteland we call life. After all, studies have shown that being "in love" is equivalent chemically to doing drugs. The problem with this, is that eventually "love" fades away. The reason is because our brains are not equipped to being in a drug euphoria all the time. Our brains need breaks from those crazy neurons firing all over the place. So in between these breaks we rest, we regroup, and then we have something even better: Hope. Hope that one day we will feel that high again. Sure, we might never feel it again with our current partner, but if we dream hard enough we'll find something (someone) even better. And that person will set our brain chemistry off to an even more fervent fireworks show.

The thing with me is that I've given up on those drug-induced highs. I don't drink anymore. I don't even desire anymore. I had sex the other night and it meant absolutely nothing to me. And I don't care to search for someone that could make me feel desire again. To me, desire is nothing but a ploy to let one's senses down, to the point where one surrenders all their dignity and trust. But as time has shown over and over, once you do this... once you allow another human to see you in your rawest self, they will almost certainly recoil from you. Unconditional love is something talked about a lot in humanity. Hell, it's put into ballads, written into poetry, performed on thousands of stages. I think we have to do this in order to keep believing in it. But it's a lie. Sure, you can love someone or something with all your heart and soul. But who is to say that love will remain the same? People don't remain the same.

No, the only place one can find true unconditional love is with four-legged creatures, and by that you must know I mean animals. Now these little buggers will truly stay true to you no matter what side of yourself you show them. They will not judge you, or put you in a box, or demand you do tricks to keep their love. None of that is necessary. They will comfort you when you cry, get excited when you feel joy, and never leave your side when you are at your utter worst. I, unfortunately, cannot say the same for the human race. No, as humans we are always thinking of Numero Uno. Even those that seem altruistic (and I'm not debating that they are not) will often do good deeds for the sole purpose in that it gives themselves pleasure. So, in essence, they are pleasing themselves; otherwise they wouldn't do it in the first place.

I know this viewpoint might come off as dark, or morbid. I prefer to see it as pragmatic. If people still want to lie to themselves, and tell themselves (and the world) that they are truly happy and in love, perhaps they are. And if it doesn't last, they'll just go right on to the next person (or thing). Distractions are powerful things if you know how to employ them properly. I used to. But now I've lost that technique.

Like Hansel and Gretel, my words are breadcrumbs that lead to mortality.

AND JUST LIKE THAT

I've moved on...

ETHEREAL FOREST SPRITE

Late nite emergency emails to therapist are sometimes necessary. I know he can't fix anything, but sometimes I just need someone (anyone) to tell me to hold on.

I certainly can't listen to the voices around me, or in my head.

WHATEV

It took me 3 days to finish a piece of cake. I don't give a shit about food. I don't give a shit about anything.

SORRY

SHE'S DEAD TOO.

MONEY! MONEY!

People wonder why I'm so cranky all the time. If you had night terrors every single night for the last 37 years, you'd be cranky too, bitch.

PICTURE YOURSELF IN A ROOM FULL OF BROKEN GLASS

The mistake happened 37 years ago...

OZMA & DOROTHY

I dunno, therapy wasn't so good today. I felt very vulnerable about the things we discussed, and his reaction to them. I mean, I'm glad I got a job and things are looking up, but no matter what I do, I always feel disconnected from the world. I feel like an onlooker instead of a participant. I'm afraid to even allow myself the minutest of joys, because I've been trained to reject it because it doesn't belong to me. Dr. Ben said not to be hard on myself, or judge myself, but I don't know how to not do those things. I'm still ever drowned in fear, and there is nowhere to run to. I keep finding myself in endless corridors with endless twists and turns, and they always lead to one thing: DEAD END.

I DON'T

I don't belong to any of it.

NEW YEAR, NEW ME?

Not so fast. That's not how it works. When the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, you don't magically morph into the person you want to be. After 37 years I am finally facing my demons head on. And you know what's happening? People are bailing. So perhaps, instead of focusing on a new me, I should also focus on a new entourage. I don't really have a substantial one to begin with, but I know there are people out there that love me and respect me and get me. They say when you become really sick (like cancer-sick) you find out who really loves you; you find out who is sticking by you.

Right now the 2 main stressors in my life are my mother and my partner. They are talking behind my back, gaslighting me at every opportunity, and attacking me because I am traumatized (which is only triggering me further). They are guilt-tripping me, judging me, and essentially sick of me and my "problems." I get it. I'm a difficult person to love. It is a result of the ongoing abuse and neglect I suffered at my caretaker's hand. I am literally acting out of a place of fear and rejection. And they are blaming me for it, even though it is a direct reaction to the suffering I endured, and continue to endure, on a regular basis. If I was suffering from any other disease, say diabetes or cancer, I fear I would be telling an entirely different tale. But this is the story of my life: a harsh, unsafe, battered childhood. Growing up feeling worthless, then unable to have meaningful, interpersonal relationships. Enter marriage. Enter more feelings of worthlessness. Enter disappointment, disgust, and anger from spouse. Enter guilt and resentment. Depression doesn't magically go away. Thoughts of suicide don't stop badgering your brain just because you wish it so. Every 3 months, my review always comes back the same: unsatisfactory. Spouse is literally doing the exact thing my mother did to me for decades—telling me to snap out of it. This gives one the idea that "it" is a choice. It's not. When I was not being abused, I was being neglected. When I was not being neglected, I was being abused. I did not choose these things to happen to me. I am working to get better, but apparently the rate I am going at is too slow. Not enough satisfactory improvements are visible. These evaluations, along with the backtalk and judgement, do not help me move forward. If anything, they contribute to my feelings of utter worthlessness, and ultimately propel my suicidal ideations to a fevered pitch. I know for a fact that these individuals are not doing this on purpose. Thanks to Dr. Ben, he has shown me that most people do *not* know how to deal with suicidal people. In fact, they often mistakenly say or do triggering things without even realizing it (sadly, they think they are helping). So I no longer take these punches personal. However, they still hurt me to my core. And that's what I need to continue to work on: my pain. It has such thrall over me, that I don't even know what it feels like to be safe, happy, and light-hearted. Being forced to grow up very quickly (homeschool myself and younger sibling; protect self and sibling from unstable, violent home, etc.), I never had a moment to rest or be a child. I was raped—emotionally, mentally, psychologically. I honestly feel like I have brain damage from the experience.

I'm not writing this for myself. I am writing this for anyone out there who is struggling with severe and debilitating mental illness. You are not alone. I know that doesn't ease the pain, or make the battle any easier, but know that I am here for you in solidarity. I will never turn my back on the broken, discarded, and misunderstood. You are my brethren. We will get together someday, you and I. We will be in heaven, not the one above, but the one in our hearts. The heaven that unfurls when 2 broken pieces find each other in perfect harmony and love.

Until then I keep my animals and books close. Nothing has changed.

DEAD & ALIVE

I am Schrodinger's cat.

2019 YOU PESKY DEVIL

Today was not a very good day. I ended up going to therapy pre-anxious, wanting to talk about certain topics. In the end, I just rambled for the entire hour, going off on a million different tangents. I felt like Trump when he vomits a word salad without really saying anything substantial. Then the topic shifted, and things got really Twin Peaks-esque. The word "transference" came up (he said it; I had it in my head from before), and then I told him I felt like I was Dale Cooper's big faded face saying, "We live inside a dream."

Then after therapy, I recorded a 26 minute video of myself discussing mental health, the New Year, etc. I put a lot into it, getting really emotional and even tearing up at some points. At the 26 minute mark I noted that my phone only had enough room to record 10 more minutes of video. Then my phone battery died. When I turned my phone back on, the video was *gone*gone*gone*.

I have no room on my phone for the UberEats app.

1ST WORLD PROBLEMS

So now that I voluntarily gave up leadership in my alliance (for an rpg app I play on my phone), the new leader is already arguing with players and threatening to kick people out, and it hasn't even been 24 hours. I regret doing this to the alliance and wish I could go back in time to undue it. I was in a bad mood last nite, hence the abrupt (and poor) decision. Oh, well. That's life--no reset button.

THE MIRRORS TWIST AND DISTORT IN ENDLESS CAVERNS OF ANGUISH

My mother is more psychotic than I ever realized. I'm amazed I've lasted this long.

Perhaps, like Anne Rice, I can take the pain and write it into my characters and stories.

Perhaps.

THE MOUNTAINS OF MADNESS

I'm slowly weaning myself off the medical marijuana. I shouldn't have to do this because it is legal in my state of Florida, and it helps me with my PTSD, my night terrors, and my TMJ. But, because of the stigma still associated with marijuana, and the fact that most employers require drug tests for new hires, I have decided I must suffer a little more in my life so that I may get a job. Am I pissed? Hell yeah, you bet I am. This whole ordeal of beating my alcohol addiction (sober for 165 days), and now having to beat my dependence on medical marijuana thanks to a high-level medical company essentially blacklisting me--let's just say I stared into the abyss this week, and it stared back into my soul.

What now? I need to keep moving; like trudging through a snow-capped mountain range in the middle of a blizzard, I have-to-keep-moving-or-I-will-collapse-into-the-soft-powdery-snow-and-never-wake-up-again. The cold can be comforting, but also deceiving. It numbs you--tricks you--into a false sense of safety. But in reality, it's slowly sucking the life-essence out of your exhausted body.

How do I keep moving? Write. It's my one true joy, both therapeutic and cathartic. Also, keep looking for work. This company that rejected me (they don't even have the basic decency to call me on the phone and tell me so) have lost the best coder they could ever hope to find. But that's ok. I will keep looking; I will keep climbing that snowy mountain even if it kills me in the process. That is life: an eternal struggle to fight death.

PLATH

Do you feel safe?

No.

AUTO PILOT

I've lost 18 pounds in 2018.

I've drank 10 days in 2018.

I've been sober for 5 months.

I am being discriminated against in my quest for work because I am on medical marijuana.

I've been prescribed Prozac and Buspirone so I can get off the marijuana.

I'm tired.

APPRAISAL

You should get a nose job.

That lipstick color makes your lips look even thinner than they already are.

You should go to church.

You need to be on medication.

You should stop drinking.

You will always be an alcoholic.

You're an addict.

Are you anorexic?

Are you pregnant?

You have social anxiety.

You're mean just like Grandma Betty was.

You're a drunk just like Grandma Betty.

You'd be a bad mother.

I've never met anyone with anxiety as bad as you.

Calm down.

Don't you want to be happy?

Bisexual is just sick.

God doesn't make mistakes.

You need to have a reason to be depressed.

You should do your nails.

You should see a doctor.

Nobody thinks like you.

The way you think is wrong.

Suicide is selfish.

Stop complaining.

Lots of people have anxiety.

Lots of people have depression.

What's WRONG with you?

WORD DUMP

People often tell me not to worry because I'm smart. I would trade all the intelligence in the world for some coping skills.


I look forward to the eventual deaths of my abusers. But most of all, I look forward to one death: my own.


They use you and abuse you. And then they throw you out like yesterday's trash.


The only thing keeping me alive at this point is my anger.


I've always been so obsessed with death, I didn't have time to live.


Chains of abuse never end.


They took away the one thing I love: alcohol.


The suicide trance is not for the faint of heart.


My love affair with death started when I was eleven.

AND I RAN

I have to realize that people who choose to remain ignorant are lost to me. I will still love them, but I cannot make people believe what is in front of their very eyes. In this age of the internet, there is a lot of information (and disinformation) out there, but everyone has to come to their own conclusions on what is fact and what is fake. For me it is very easy to pick up on pathological liars, cheaters, abusers, and narcissistic megalomaniacs. But just because something is obvious to me, doesn't mean it is that way for others. I just hope it's not too late, once everyone's eyes have finally been opened... and they will be opened.