EVEN THE DRUGS DON'T LIKE ME - OMITTED POST 0CT 2018

So as time goes by, I start to realize more and more that people will hurt me. It doesn't matter who it is, or even if they've never hurt me—at some point, they will. At some point, their love for me will become tainted, as well as my love for them. Because, you see, love is an idea man has encapsulated in its existence. Why? I think it's to give man something to cling to in this cold, desolate wasteland we call life. After all, studies have shown that being "in love" is equivalent chemically to doing drugs. The problem with this, is that eventually "love" fades away. The reason is because our brains are not equipped to being in a drug euphoria all the time. Our brains need breaks from those crazy neurons firing all over the place. So in between these breaks we rest, we regroup, and then we have something even better: Hope. Hope that one day we will feel that high again. Sure, we might never feel it again with our current partner, but if we dream hard enough we'll find something (someone) even better. And that person will set our brain chemistry off to an even more fervent fireworks show.

The thing with me is that I've given up on those drug-induced highs. I don't drink anymore. I don't even desire anymore. I had sex the other night and it meant absolutely nothing to me. And I don't care to search for someone that could make me feel desire again. To me, desire is nothing but a ploy to let one's senses down, to the point where one surrenders all their dignity and trust. But as time has shown over and over, once you do this... once you allow another human to see you in your rawest self, they will almost certainly recoil from you. Unconditional love is something talked about a lot in humanity. Hell, it's put into ballads, written into poetry, performed on thousands of stages. I think we have to do this in order to keep believing in it. But it's a lie. Sure, you can love someone or something with all your heart and soul. But who is to say that love will remain the same? People don't remain the same.

No, the only place one can find true unconditional love is with four-legged creatures, and by that you must know I mean animals. Now these little buggers will truly stay true to you no matter what side of yourself you show them. They will not judge you, or put you in a box, or demand you do tricks to keep their love. None of that is necessary. They will comfort you when you cry, get excited when you feel joy, and never leave your side when you are at your utter worst. I, unfortunately, cannot say the same for the human race. No, as humans we are always thinking of Numero Uno. Even those that seem altruistic (and I'm not debating that they are not) will often do good deeds for the sole purpose in that it gives themselves pleasure. So, in essence, they are pleasing themselves; otherwise they wouldn't do it in the first place.

I know this viewpoint might come off as dark, or morbid. I prefer to see it as pragmatic. If people still want to lie to themselves, and tell themselves (and the world) that they are truly happy and in love, perhaps they are. And if it doesn't last, they'll just go right on to the next person (or thing). Distractions are powerful things if you know how to employ them properly. I used to. But now I've lost that technique.

Like Hansel and Gretel, my words are breadcrumbs that lead to mortality.

AND JUST LIKE THAT

I've moved on...

EFF

Your bigotry suffocates me.

NEON TREES

I was brought to my knees so that one day I could rise up and know the happiness that comes with perseverance.

ETHEREAL FOREST SPRITE

Late nite emergency emails to therapist are sometimes necessary. I know he can't fix anything, but sometimes I just need someone (anyone) to tell me to hold on.

I certainly can't listen to the voices around me, or in my head.

WHATEV

It took me 3 days to finish a piece of cake. I don't give a shit about food. I don't give a shit about anything.

SORRY

SHE'S DEAD TOO.

GIRL, INTERRUPTED

Well, I did kill myself. I killed the girl I used to be; she's gone. The things she used to put up with, I can't. The taunts and attacks she felt she deserved, now I know she deserves so much better. The things that used to bring her happiness, now she knows they were crutches. I will always walk cautiously in these new shoes, but I can't go back to that girl. As scary as it is to know that I died, I have now been reborn. The muscle memory is still there from my previous life, but as I learn to walk anew in these big, shiny shoes—though I may trip a few times—I know that I can't go back. I can't go back out of fear, to that small life. Those dark, enclosing walls of my mind. It's an illusion that I thought was real for 37 years. The chains of my mind continue to break apart like so much dust in the windy night. They are gone forever, gone with that girl that used to be me. I'm still not sure about this new person I've become. I'm still getting used to her. Little does she know how much more gentle I will be with her compared to the old girl who I killed. Even though she had to die, her sacrifice will not be in vain. Because of her death, now I can truly live. It's all I've ever wanted from this life: to be inside the painting, instead of gazing at it longingly from afar.

I cling to you like the motes of desert dust cling to heaven's tears.

MONEY! MONEY!

People wonder why I'm so cranky all the time. If you had night terrors every single night for the last 37 years, you'd be cranky too, bitch.

PICTURE YOURSELF IN A ROOM FULL OF BROKEN GLASS

The mistake happened 37 years ago...

BECKY WITH THE BAD HAIR

I have a very pretty name, but the way my manager says it—with sarcasm and poison on her tongue—turns it into something ugly.

FOUR-LEAF CLOVER

I'm no longer going to say "I fell in love," but instead, "I fell into love," as it is very much like tripping.

JOKE NAZI

If you can't handle my darkness, then I cut off the comedy. No jokes for you!

MAD WORLD

Donnie Darko - Mad World

OZMA & DOROTHY

I dunno, therapy wasn't so good today. I felt very vulnerable about the things we discussed, and his reaction to them. I mean, I'm glad I got a job and things are looking up, but no matter what I do, I always feel disconnected from the world. I feel like an onlooker instead of a participant. I'm afraid to even allow myself the minutest of joys, because I've been trained to reject it because it doesn't belong to me. Dr. Ben said not to be hard on myself, or judge myself, but I don't know how to not do those things. I'm still ever drowned in fear, and there is nowhere to run to. I keep finding myself in endless corridors with endless twists and turns, and they always lead to one thing: DEAD END.

RIDE OR PRIDE

The LGBTQ community has the best people: out of all the freak flags, ours is the most colorful.

I DON'T

I don't belong to any of it.

HE'S NOT WRONG

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MEME IT