NEXT LEVEL THERAPY...?

So, I started seeing Laura once a week again. However, she and I both discussed my starting to see an actual therapist to work on my deeper issues (Laura is my Biofeedback technician, although I often refer to her as my "therapist" as she has given me guidance and counsel for nearly 5 years). The relaxation techniques I learned from her have helped me tremendously; I am generally more calm, have a slower heart rate, am aware of my breathing, and aware of my teeth clenching. I rarely get chest pains anymore. The light machines I use have helped me as well. But I still have night terrors; I still scream in my sleep. My anxiety and anger sometimes go unchecked, and the side effects are becoming unbearable.

So Laura suggested I see one of the clinical psychologists in her office. I am very leery when it comes to meeting new people. I have trouble making eye contact and being around people in general. But I ran into Dr. Ben on the way out after my appointment with Laura, and he gave me his card and he seems nice enough. He's a kid in his 20s, young, upbeat. Seems a bit hipster-y. He loves animals--he has cats, dogs, birds, snakes, and a turtle. So I might give him a try. I just need to email him to set up an appointment when I'm ready.

The question is: Am I ready? Yes and no. I'm sick of carrying this anger around with me. I know I was emotionally and mentally abused as a child, but I have moved on. It's my subconscious that appears to remain in the past. The relaxation therapy gave me tools, which I greatly needed. My resting heart rate was 130 bpm when I first met Laura. But the underlying issues are still there, and they are keeping me a prisoner. With some good talk therapy, perhaps I can exorcise my demons (or at least try to learn how to control them better). I should be hearing something from the state about my medical marijuana soon, which I believe will also be extremely helpful in my recovery.

Laura says I have graduated from her services and need to move on to the next level. I've grown too comfortable and complacent, and need to be pushed out of my comfort zone. This is the part I don't look forward to. Why? Because it involves *pain.* But sometimes you have to feel bad before you can get better. Sometimes you have to take the medicine regardless of how bitter it might be. So will I put aside my initial discomfort and make an appointment with this guy? I certainly have the time to do so. It's always the first step that is the hardest. We'll see...

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Fire & Fury Author Michael Wolff Claims Trump Is Having an Affair: 'Read Between the Lines'

BORED

So tonite the alcohol withdrawal symptoms are hitting me really hard. It's like a white raging light blasting in my head and my blood is itching. My PTSD is sky high, and I need to figure out a way to calm down. It's always worse at night (which is usually when I drink).

I'll need to search back, but when I got into Mark Borchardt (back in November?) I would have this nightly ritual where I would get drunk and watch "Coven." I would start with NES gameplay of Drakkhen and then as the night wore on--and I became drunker--I would finish with "Coven." Usually at this point I'd be lying on one of the cats' towels or blankets on the floor upstairs in the den, and Onyx would be cuddling with me, watching too. I would end up falling asleep normally around the middle to end, but the main scene(s) I would remember was when Mark would be saying something like, "A little bit of you, and a few of you," while pouring pills into his hand and downing them with liquor. The subject matter (a struggling writer fighting alcoholism) coupled with my [drowning] problems--both literally and figuratively--would be just the thing to sink me into an easy slumber. I actually managed to spill beer on my tablet on two of these nightly occasions (it still works thankfully).

I am very lonely tonite. Jimmy's ignoring me and Kevin fell asleep a few hours ago. Ironically, I am used to being alone. I can usually deal with the loneliness by reading or going online, but nothing is doing it for me tonite. The weekend is approaching too, and that always amplifies my cravings... mainly because I know everyone is partying and I'm not.

I really hope I don't cave and regret it. I'd hate to call Morocco at 2am in the morning while drinking beer.                                                                                                                                And I don't know what I'm talking about; I'm crazy.


edited to add: It was Christmas Eve when I first saw his movie. I went back and added the tag, so it will be easier for me to find in the future.

edited to add again: I'm the girl tied to the bed, thrashing, in the elevator scene.

NOT ENOUGH COMMITMENT

Cholos vs Vampires is on Kickstarter- Mark Borchardt

I MEAN...

NO SUGAR, SHERLOCK

All quiet (and very boring) on the front tonite.

I MEAN...

I made a Trump supporter friend and live-tweeted through a Mark Borchardt radio show. The universe is mine. #GoWitIt